Published April 20, 2007
Prologue
The HyperZone is an eight by eight mile block of land in Washington D.C that was bombed ten years ago. At exactly noon, three bombs went off in a small park but this was no ordinary bomb. It had capabilities that no U.S citizen with a rank or security clearance had ever seen before. It rearranged atoms, biostructure, and turned that block of land into a war zone.
The U.S has never given into terrorists, even terrorists that remain unidentified or unexposed. Over this section of the city, they rebuilt. It became the first city to sit seven hundred feet in the air. An architectural marvel, monuments were rebuilt, buildings mimicked and factories built so that this new city-in-the-air over passed its original set boundaries and placed the old Washington D.C below it in shadow. The new metropolis sprawled over six miles of the old D.C, to be exact.
The security here is top notch; you can’t even enter the HyperZone without a security pass of at least ten. My father is an independent science consultant for a company that’s based in the HyperZone, so both my father and I have a security pass around our necks with the number seven, or age, ethnic background, blood type and residence. But my pass is different. I am filed under a minor, so my key card is smaller. The molding checkpoints and locks around the city remember all the information on your pass, record how often you enter the building or sector, and can even track your movements through a giant database run by the FBI and secret service. I can’t even go to the bathroom without someone knowing about it and when I start getting my period even that has to be recorded on my card.
Still, that’s life in the HyperZone. I am one of the lucky ones. Unlike my friends who are all security clearance five or higher, I can leave the HyperZone and visit my mom. My parents are divorced, you see, so I have more freedom than the other teenagers. Or, at least I did, before the White House hired my dad and the FBI boosted my pass from a level seven, to a level two. Now strange things have started to happen, things I wish would just stop.
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Interesting idea!
The kind of scary thing is that I started a novel a while ago about a floating city. Of course, the situation was quite different, but I thought that was interesting. Anyway, on to the critique...
Okay, the first sentence has the punctuation mistakes that gadi already pointed out, but also, if it's three bombs, why do you say "but this was no ordinary bomb" rather than "but these were no ordinary bombs?" Throughout the quoted section you make the same mistake: you have it singular where it should be plural.
semi-colon after "HyperZone" rather than period.
Also, you don't need to say so much about the passes; this is just the prologue, it needs to be more intriguing stuff and less technical stuff... you can go into details later! I can tell that you have a very original and interesting plot planned, but I must say, this didn't pull me in very much --make it more gripping! Make some unanswered questions, for instance, or mysteries, or emotions. And save the mechanics for later.
Hope this helps, and pm me if you have questions!
Good luck!
~Azila
Is this a strictly military fiction? I think that would be ok, since the writing is well done. I like the idea of a floating city.
Well, anyway, I'm Kyte. I haunt a few sites, but you can mostly find me at Dragonhame and Writers BBS.
Good job!
Watch your punctuation though. You forget where you put them sometimes!
"three bombs went off in a small park but this was no ordinary bomb"
three bombs went off. But this was no ordinary bomb!
"Still, that’s life in the HyperZone. I am one of the lucky ones. Unlike my friends who are all security clearance five or higher, I can leave the HyperZone and visit my mom. My parents are divorced, you see, so I have more freedom than the other teenagers. Or, at least I did, before the White House hired my dad and the FBI boosted my pass from a level seven, to a level two. Now strange things have started to happen, things I wish would just stop. "
You completely change your voice and style in this paragraph. Before that, you were informative and formal, telling of the past, rarely using "You see" or "I did this". It's more conversational. I think you should find ways to change it. For ex., "My parents divorce three and a half years ago. In my opinion, I now have much more liberty and freedom than other teenagers."
Also, the level seven/two was really confusing.
Other than that, this prologue REALLY kept me reading! I liked it a lot! I am going to see what else this story comes up with....continue with this! It's really good.
Thank you, I'll be sure to take the advice of both of you into account when I do my final draft
This is an excellent start. The idea is fresh and in some ways contemporary (the terrorism part). My only advice would lie in the last sentence where you foreshadowed to the character's problem. In my opinion, that kind of foreshadowing is immature. Prologues should end in action; a death or a car chase or a gripping problem. A prologue is an extended hook and it should grab your readers attention immediately and hold onto it for the entire story.
Other than that, keep up the good work!
Thank you!
It's a good start and I will be looking foreward to reading more.
Other than the paragraphs crammed togther which you already explained, there are a few other typos. Also who is the person your talking about? All i've gathered is that it's some girl whose parents are divorced. I know it's just the prolugue, but it would be nice to know some more info on the characters like what does the girl and her parents look like, their names and so on. Good work!
#Queen of the Pirates#
none of the paragraphs copied through....sorry guys.